Keeping a record of what crosses my mind serves several purposes. Diaries are considered more personal and private while a journal is not. I think of what I do as journaling, not because it’s not personal because it often is personal. But the narrative I try to weave has never been private. It is always open for anyone to read. Going back weeks, years, decades; I can tap back into old stories that had me hooked at the time. No less than old, black & white photographs, I can recapture the moment. The writing allows me to play with words, my favorite toys. At some point, taking notes evolves upward from an outline, (a trail of crumbs so you can find your way home), to a fleshed out story. Then of course, leaving your thoughts and ideas on a journal page is therapeutic. No counselor, no need to schedule an appointment and with nobody waiting in the wings, I get as much time as I require.
Keeping a journal through difficult times can be repetitious if not redundant. The risk of fixating on one detail, like a dog gnawing on its bone, is real. I taught school long enough I can slip back into ‘Teacher-Talk’ without knowing I’ve slipped. I’ve remarked before, the only thing worse than being subjected to teacher-talk is realizing that you are guilty of it. When I need to say something that may be condescending, I try to frame it in between narratives.
As the Virus/Economy/Disruption goes; if your income is guaranteed and the virus has left you immune, then things may not be all that difficult. But this certainly is a difficult time. For most of us, the disease may or may not be disabling/deadly but the only way to know is to become infected. Nobody knows for sure how long their job will need them and that leaves a person juggling two hot rocks. To compound the issue, we are entering a general election cycle with nothing but contentious back-biting and desperation to add to our woes. I have a world view, a broad, philosophical sense of how the world should work but everybody has one of those. Like most of my contemporaries, our primary concerns are not so much what we want but what we don’t want. The only thing worse than God Damn Democrats now days are God Damn Republicans. Is there anything worse than a bigot? How about two bigots!
After the battle of Britain, Winston Churchill was quoted, “Never have so many, owed so much, to so few.” It was his tribute to the RAF and their air war against the German Luftwaffe. In the current political climate I would say, “Never have so many, been so deceived by so few.” That would be my disclaimer regarding our President. I just crafted a paragraph addressing some of his character flaws and demagogue-drawbacks but then immediately deleted them. I don’t want to go there. Not that I want to give him some wiggle room but I think it probably doesn't matter. It feels like my mother’s, how would you rather die analogy (the fast bullet or a slow rope), I would prefer the slow rope. It allows for a glimmer of hope.
I just walked my coffee mug from my desktop to the kitchen. There were five other dirty mugs in the top rack of the dishwasher. Five days since running the dishwasher. Occasionally I hand wash a few dishes but I will be out of clean mugs in a day or two. So it’s either hand wash everything or everything into the humming, whirring, clunk things clean machine. There are plenty of chores that need to be tended to. Still, with nobody dropping in, no company at all; motivation is weak and slow coming. I ran the sweeper a few days ago. With clean carpets and the washer ready to go, I suppose I should organize and put things away. My pandemic journal is mostly about the writing, not so much the reading. After I finish here I will start fresh on a new piece; idle hands you know. It helps me organize ideas and frame language that may be suited for some other conversation. The confabulated Churchill quote isn’t bad.
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