SLEEP BETTER

 

I understand; I really do. We have one brain but it has two different operating systems, one that is available, it thinks, understands and remembers. It takes bad news objectively. The thinking brain informs us when feeling bad is not as bad as it may seem. Then there’s the deeper brain, the one that evolved with the reptiles, the subconscious dwells there. It is unavailable. It’s all about fight or flight and how we feel, emotions, and it doesn’t care about the thinking one. It has a single purpose, to feel good/safe/satisfied. When they move to the same rhythm and the same tune, life is a happy zone. But when they collide, you have trouble sleeping. Although it has served us well the brain-brain has not kept up with civilization in its evolution. When what we know conflicts with how we feel, push comes to shove and it’s the emotional subconscious that has the last word. We want to believe we made a decision but truth is, it just made us. 

I don’t know, why me; but I have a strong, emotional-feel that feels almost as good about rational, verifiable knowledge as it does about safe/satisfied, feeling good itself. I question/challenge everything, even the stuff that makes me feel good. (What is wrong with you Frank?) I don’t know; what is wrong with me? I need to dig in that hole for a while. I need to go where it’s scary and learn from people who are different than me. I learn something important every time, even if it makes me uncomfortable. I’d rather know the disappointment than take comfort in Feel-good, Bullshit wisdom. For someone who identifies as a Humanist, I have a low opinion of people. The ancient Greeks understood human nature - Seek Pleasure/Avoid Pain. As a culture, we are really into that. Morality is a complex social construct that people act on without much thought. It draws the lines between what is proper and what is taboo. The consequence for behaving in an immoral fashion can be devastating. Morality changes from time to time and from place to place. In that light, it follows that there is no universal, “Right” morality. Carl Jung said, "There is neither right nor wrong. There is only what makes sense and what does not." But popular belief would say everybody should be on the same page, what we agree on here and now is absolutely “Right” (good). In the greater scope of human endeavor, Feel-good Bullshit is preferable to doing the painful math. 

So that brings me to the moment. I feel bad. I can’t speak for anyone else but my sense says, go dig in the hole; learn something. I’m hoping it will help restore a sense of purpose and defuse some anxiety. My countrymen just elected a narrow, mercenary egotist to the highest office in the land, a demagogue who (my opinion) has just pulled off the greatest scam in modern history. It was never about making America great again; it’s all about stroking his ego. History is full of despots who wanted to be God and this one is a classic example. His followers will not connect the dots, neither will they pay attention when someone else does it for them. They believe he is the instrument of their deliverance when in fact they are the evidence of his glory. That illumination would be too uncomfortable to bear (avoid pain); there’s no upside to being used. “I’m a winner,” sayeth the Lord; “do my bidding and you’ll be a winner too.” He’s no different in that regard than tyrants in 3rd world countries. His warriors are lawyers, their weapons are legal maneuvers. His money is deadly as bullets and I’m afraid he will turn to real bullets should his appetite not be satisfied. All he wants is to be God. It leaves me feeling bad.

Venting my feelings doesn’t make me feel any better but I think it’s part of the digging in that hole. I have to visualize an upside for his “Winner” brand of leadership. That includes challenging my own sense of morality. But my old world, reptilian brain still gets the last word and those feelings move to reason as much as to feelings of fear. Some things change, some don't; I don’t lean as hard to the left as I once did but my Morality still hinges on equity/fairness at least as much, (at least as much) as authority/control. Seek Pleasure/Avoid Pain is how instinct works. We are rational apes with tools to help us rise above predator/prey animalism. But if the “Right” use of intelligence is to simply be better predators, then I’ve missed something along the way.     

I am not even a blip. I understand that my feelings are irrelevant and what I know to be true can change. The world’s not flat, evolution is real and Pluto’s not a planet anymore: the evidence is both objective and compelling. My job is to live the best life I can - with the caveat of serving the greater good. By his rule, that makes me a loser. The idea of a greater good is for losers. Winning is all there is; so sayeth Saint Vince, of Lombardi and his disciple, Roy Cohn. Winning means converting $$$ to power. Then, what is power good for if you don't crush your enemies and expand your base. I'm beginning to get it. 
        Bullies pay lip service to noble ideals but it always pans out the same; the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. I’m ashamed of my people but they don’t care. But I'm resigned to a much smaller world and I need to take care of me. Reconciliation is about letting go, not about getting even. The angst I feel is like a hot rock in my hand, it burns. I need to let it go. I can’t change the scam or its outcome. It’s a wake up call; things could be worse. What if human activity really is accelerating the rate of global warming, like 95% of all climatologists concur? We really are in this together, we need each other. I’m just one, and I can only do what I can do. But I am, and I can do that. I’ll reconcile this. I’ll let it go soon. I’ll sleep better.