CHEWING

I am weighing words this morning. The best language to expresses my purpose and to that end, I’m not convinced that my purpose is clear. Maybe I’m just ruminating. If you chew on something long enough it loses its flavor, even its salt. So I sit here chewing on the choice of either swallow or spit. 

I have been betrayed and wounded by a friend. He has been an alcohol/drug addict for many years but he has a support group and he tries to stay clean. When he falls off the wagon we understand that it is a disease and he is sick, even when he is clean. The best he can ever hope for is to stay one step ahead of his demon. So we, all of us, try to be what he needs. 

My friend has visited me at least twice in the last two months; once through the front door when I was at home and once through an unlocked window when I was away. Both times, he looted my house. He needed money. My first reaction was predictable; disbelief. But the evidence was compelling and he admitted his guilt. Fired from his job, living in his car, the scene is straight out of a cops & robber plot. Up and down like a roller coaster; from calculating, deceitful paranoia to crushing depression, contrition and self loathing; his paradox is pitiful. During one of those bottomed out crises he helped us recover an heirloom pocket watch from a pawn shop. Under all the addiction he still wants to do the right thing but he is totally out of control. All of his talk is about getting into a recovery program but the behavior is paranoid, self defeating. The only way he communicates is via text message which he turns on and off as the habit dictates. It’s not the first time he’s gone off the tracks but it is the first time he has dragged me into his nightmare. For his family it’s 2n, 3rd, 4th verse; same as the first. 

I am thankful that I got my watch back; it is irreplaceable. But I’ve more or less given up on the other stuff. I gave him money to meet supposedly legitimate needs but no doubt, it went up his nose and I’ll never see it again. Anger bubbles now and then but I can’t say that I’m bitter. Disillusion and disappointed are words that fit the feeling. I considered turning it over to the police but that has its draw backs too. My confidence in jurisprudence is that it serves itself first and the rest of us are no more than leaves in the wind. 

So I’m still chewing: how do I go from here? Forgiveness does not excuse or condone bad behavior. I can forgive because forgiveness is about me. The thief is still a thief and the crime is inexcusable. But I can let it go. If I want to be free of the hot rock in my hand I have to let it go. Revenge cuts both ways and I don’t need that either. Forgive and forget is religious double talk, meant to dupe believers. Forgiveness requires perfect memory. For it to work you have to forgive and remember. For your own sake you let the perpetrator off the hook, not theirs. I’m struggling with negative feelings but I trust my rational side more than the feelings. If you can get more money (I can get more money) then you will recover. My friend has the burden of bridges-burned and that part won’t change. Even though it’s an illness we still hold each other accountable, to whatever extent it be fair or foul. 

There is a quote I lean on every day; whose, I can't remember but it is mine now. “Sometimes you have a life and sometimes it has you.” Sometimes you can’t tell where you are in that couplet until after the fact; do you possess or are you possessed? Hindsight! The perception of choice happens in the fleeting moment and we do the best we can. Then, in a split second, it’s history and we have to live with it forever. Since I don’t know for sure if I’m the engine or the caboose, I can forgive, and I do.