WHO NEEDS IT?

To begin with I am an old, retired science teacher. The path I followed was delayed and in some ways strayed down a few dead ends but in the end I learned and shared lots of science content and still retain a valued life-lesson, to look (think) before I leap. I still have impulsive urges but pause and defaulting to reason has proven to be a better scheme. Passion is unreliable and after it has been spent it cares not at all about where it leaves you. As a disclaimer I would note that in philosophical terms I would be considered a Stoic. Stoics tend to be skeptics, not ones to share feelings or express ideas prematurely. Stoicism homes in on what you control (which isn’t a lot) and progresses from there. For a long time, dismissing issues where I have no control in favor of those I can put my hands on has served me well.

I am processing an experience from several days ago. Sixty seven years later, remnants of my graduating high school class meet for a monthly luncheon. There were ten of us last week; some were spouses and others were leap-frogged into our midst from the class the year behind us but we all had the same common cause. One classmate had been a best friend during our senior year and even though our futures would unfold in profoundly different ways, we still want to get along. One’s conscious, chosen identity in terms of religion and political ideology are usually deep seated, vulnerable to powerful, passionate expression. I work patiently and without exception to think and think again before I leap. As a result, I can be slow to react and appear to be detached and I don’t talk religion or politics with anyone who doesn’t already understand the difference between conversation and argument. Argument is for competing while cooperation is for cooperation, enlightenment, entertainment. Either everybody or nobody wins at conversation. My former BF knows very well that I do not share his passion for Baptist religion or conservative politics but it seemed we were agreed to disagree. It had never come up and neither has it been a stumbling block.  

Long story short: at lunch his wife unloaded on another classmate, a girl I have come to appreciate. Never close friends in school, we have parallel experiences and commonalities we now share and we get along famously. I don’t know which one broached controversial politics first but an unmitigated, one way attack by my friend’s wife followed in defense of former President Trump. She made her point in the the first words of her rant but stretched it out across several sentences. The most disturbing thing I noticed was that she both enjoyed the moment and was smug afterward. My classmate friend didn’t want to argue so my friend’s wife postured like the winner. 

Several years before, before they started coming to Lunch-bunch, I enjoyed the same kind of relationship with another one of my oldest-longest schoolboy friends (from the 3rd grade). We also avoided controversial issues. At a summer picnic however, somehow the conversation stumbled over the George Floyd murder in Minneapolis and the resulting Black Lives Matter movement. We realized where that track was headed and changed the subject. But as an afterthought he made the comment, “Blacks should be thankful for slavery because without it they would not have been born in the greatest nation ever.” I was dumbfounded. Following up I did say something to the effect; “If you had been born black you would not have said that.” He nodded, no he would not have and we moved on. But he had been serious as a train wreck when he said it. Over several days (thinking before leaping) I was troubled with how I should respond, if at all. I let it go but the next month when Lunch-bunch rolled around I didn’t go. I stayed away month to month until I realized I had looked long enough and had mande my leap. If that was to be what I could expect from a friend then I just didn’t need it and I am too old for word games over stuff that is out of my control. 

Our stalemate at the picnic was the last time I saw him. I stayed away and kept staying away. He died of a massive heart attack a few years later. Now I’m thinking again, and again, about if and when and how to leap. Four days ago when his wife was running out of breath my friend weighed in with an equally condescending observation that was in fact an indirect insult and I felt like Yogi Berra’s famous quote, “It’s dejà vu all over again.” I didn’t go there loaded for confrontation and I really don’t need that to reflect on a high school experience. I suspect come June’s Lunch-bunch I’ll be preoccupied and probably July as well. As for the other two classmates who share a long standing trust, I can see them whenever we can agree, no rules of engagement. I’m not angry, I really don’t care. Who needs it? Who needs it!

In conclusion, as I often rely on favorite sources to cast light on my little thoughts I turn to Robert Frost. 

The woods ar lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.