Writing about one’s thoughts and feelings while a pandemic is sweeping the planet is a challenge. In fact, it is more about keeping busy and staying sane. At first I avoided news, it was all bad. I listened to music and watched reruns on television. By now we understand that pandemics are not new and that civilization has weathered the storm every time. The Black Death came and went in the 14th century with a death toll that stagers the imagination. Covid-19 kills a small percentage compared to the Bubonic Plague but in the 21st century, the 3rd largest nation, even a small percentage is a really big number. The virus is new, no history so no head start on the learning curve.
So how does it make me feel? Anxious is one feeling I’ve been experiencing. There is no fix yet, won’t be for a long time. No cure, no safe place to hide; how would you feel if you knew there were thousands of assassins out there who want nothing more than to take you out? Not just me, the virus needs people to replicate and anybody will do. So we learn fast, people carry the virus that can jump from one person to another on a sneeze or a cough or even a loud shout. We take our chances every time we get in a car but you can see cars coming. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, wear a mask and keep a distance. The new normal is, anxiety and fear can pop up without warning.
I feel sad. Civilization, my culture has taken a big hit. American Exceptionalism is a popular myth that elevates us above other nations in terms of morality, creativity, leadership and industry. We have prospered and we are quick to sing our own praise. I have no qualms with praise but likewise, we conquered a pristine continent and its people, then replicated our own civilization very much the same way a virus takes over its unsuspecting host. Still, it is my culture and we are unprepared to compete with pandemic. We have a powerful military and an economic infrastructure that works as long as everything conforms to an established paradigm. But a wild card in the deck changes the rules. So much for international supply lines and industrialized agriculture. We are hurting and I’m not the only one afraid it will get worse before it gets better.
My thoughts are scattered. Believers have Faith to fall back on but even in my righteous period, my doubts superseded Belief. If I were faithful I’m sure I would feel better but it’s not something you can turn on and off. I am sequestered in my home with a big yard and a fence. As long as I can keep that buffer between me and other people I don’t have to worry about the virus. It doesn’t survive very well outside living tissue.
I think about how life, how American Exceptionalism has dealt me good cards, how I enjoy the benefits of white privilege and of male privilege. Before the pandemic I worked with a volunteer organization that fed the homeless. Our clients came in all colors, all genders but not many old, white men. Those that I met were veterans who had been discarded by the system. I saw me in their faces. All it takes is one wrong place at a bad time and you no longer have a life; it has you. Those people are still out there, hungry, many hopeless, trying to make it through another day. Now they have pandemic to contend with. I think about gratitude. I think about how arrogant it is to think you can judge others when you don’t know what’s what. Who deserves privilege and who does not? After all, by definition Privilege is unmerited. If it’s earned it isn’t a privilege.
This pandemic will unfold. Someday its survivors will look back on it with understanding that hasn’t been born yet. A day at a time sounds corny and dated but it still works.
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