TELL ME TRUE

       Imagine, if you will, a typical family with children, a dog and a cat. Dad comes home from work to discover the cat in the garage, spray painted Columbia Blue. There is overspray on the work bench and on the floor, the spray can with smeared finger prints is nearby. His wife hasn’t seen the cat yet. Dad calls his son to the garage. The 5yr-old has Columbia Blue paint on his fingers and overspray on his shoes. “Son, it’s important that you tell me the truth. Did you paint the cat?” Before the boy can answer, the man reiterates; “If you tell the truth you won’t be punished. Do you understand how important it is that you tell the truth?” The boy nods. Then Dad repeats; “Did you paint the cat?” Son rolls his eyes, pause and then, “No.” The expression on his face is placid and pure. Another pause; Dad says, “Are you sure?” Boy rolls his eyes again and says, “Yes.” 

       Dad calls 3yr-old Daughter and asked her if she knows anything about the painted cat. She rolls her eyes, looks at her brother and shakes her head; No. Dad is perplexed. “Kids, the truth is more important than the cat. If you tell the truth, you will not be punished. Do you understand?” The kids look at Dad, look at each other, smile and nod in the affirmative. “Then,” said the Dad, “did either one of you paint the cat?” Daughter nods, No. Son smiles and says, “No.”  Dad is beside himself. He times his daughter out, to her room, no toys, computer or television. He knows that she knows something. Then he spanks his son, tells him that his lie was more hurtful to Dad than the spanking was to Son. Timed out just like daughter, the freshly spanked Son goes off to his room, knowing perfectly well that, “. . . this hurts me more than it hurts you.” is a lie. 

       Mom cleans up the cat after all, it’s her cat. Dad has the dog. He likes the dog, it is obedient, affectionate and comes when called. He doesn’t care for the cat. Dad thinks about the cat situation and feels good that he did right. Dad is the moral pillar-post in the family and he can’t tolerate lies from his children. He is God’s agent, to teach what is right, to punish wrong and reward obedience. That’s how they learn. It’s really important that children honor their parents with obedience. Absolutely sinful, thinking he could lie to Dad and get away with it. This is how it is. I’m not making it up. I lived this model for a decade, at least. I’m a slow learner. 

       I know people, men mostly, who thrive in that ‘Male Privilege’ as if it were a divine commission. Women can take on that manly disposition (in this case neither complimentary nor flattering) with it’s authority and punishment but they don’t wear it well. It’s not about the whip you use to motivate the mule, rather the hoe you use to cultivate the soil. They would quickly point out my error and set me back on the righteous path but their learning curve is even flatter than mine. Been there; not going back. If you need rules; if you absolutely need rules than you should have them but they should be of the thumb, not an arbitrary list of commandments. What can we say with confidence about telling the truth; that we tell the truth when it suits us. Everybody lies. It’s hard wired into our neural network. The question is, to what extent and at what expense? Little white ones are necessary and the gray ones that make everyone feel good would be sorely missed. We discover along the way, what you gain and lose by lies, when they stop being cute and hurt someone. The Dad wasn’t in the pursuit of truth, he was about authority and subordination. What if he had asked, “Don’t you think you should help me clean up the cat?” Where might that approach have gone? If Son said, “No” the Dad could have required help, “I need your help.” The message would be the same; painting the cat is not a good idea but cleaning up your mess is. The lie would have been inert, netted nothing. Punishment only strengthens the resolution; don’t get caught. Consequence only strengthens the lesson, fix what you screw up.

       I have clearly drawn a line in the sand between myself and my patriarchal, authoritarian cohorts. In my experience, discovery is by far the preferred vehicle for moving up the learning curve. Being open to discovery while subordinated to authority is a truly steep hill to climb. When life spans were short and few individuals survived long enough to bear viable offspring, we benefitted from a patriarchal, authoritarian package. But times have changed even though we resist that change. Still, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you keep getting what you’ve got and the human animal needs to occasionally upgrade its operating system. The one, fundamental, basic rule at the core of all religion and greater good is that we treat others the same way we want to be treated. So tell me true, when was the last time you painted the cat, or lied to your Dad because you knew it would hurt you a lot more than him?