I HATE THE BASTARDS

In April of 1962 I was 22, fresh out of the army working nights at an entry level grunt job in a factory for $ 2.72/hr. It wasn’t a bad job, not sitting at a machine assembling pieces and parts which it very well could have been. I got to walk around, pick up and clean those parts, put them in boxes and deliver them to quality control. John F. Kennedy was President. To say he was a rich man’s son would be a dreadfully serious understatement. Like previous rich men’s sons in that office, the Roosevelts, Teddy and FDR; he aligned himself with ordinary people and a greater good which infuriated the barons of big business. 

In April of ’62 JFK was embroiled in a battle with the Steel Industry. He had just pressured steel workers to sacrifice with a modest pay raise for the sake of holding down inflation. The steel companies followed with a significant price increase to their customers which gave the appearance that JFK had conspired with big business against the union and its workers. The President’s response was captured in a private conversation which of course was leaked to the press. In so-many words he shared what his father had told him about businessmen, that they were all a bunch of bastards; that he hadn’t believed it before but this changed his mind and punctuated his feeling with, “I hate the bastards.” 
At 22 with little more than 3 years of rigid military conformity and a few months of swimming in corporate conformity I was more like half-baked bread, almost ready but not quite. But now, 65 years later I have most of the puzzle pieces in place. I learned how important trade unions were for us in my growing up and how the teacher’s union protected my family’s best interests. The biggest problem with trade unions is, in order to succeed they’ve learned to fight fire with fire. Union leaders and members are willing to adopt the same underhanded dealings and deceitful schemes that the Business stereotype had employed from the beginning, the Bastards. 
This story may be a stretch and I may be overreacting but then it’s my story. My garage door broke last week and I couldn’t park my truck inside. I googled for businesses near me that do that work and started calling. On their websites I noticed the absence of their address, only that they serviced my town. I asked  if they did in fact repair broken garage doors and whether or not their business was located in my zip code. It didn’t seem to matter who I had on the other end, male or female, scheduler or the guy driving the service truck; all I got was vague answers. All they wanted was my address and a request for service. I’m full of questions, it’s my nature and nobody I talked to wanted to answer my question about where their business was located. I like to hire local people. It keeps local money in the community and I get a local name and face to go back to if need be. It’s not uncommon for the voice on the other end and myself to argue and be confrontational and I don’t like being that way. But they want to charge me for a $75 service call when they make an estimate, even if I don’t hire them. They say, “We have to pay our drivers.” I reply, “My time is as valuable to me as yours is to you. I have to spend valuable time waiting for your service tech and you tell me it will be sometime that afternoon. My time is valuable too so I’ll pay you for the service call after you pay me the same amount for the wait.” I don’t have to elaborate on how those conversations end. I got my garage door repaired but neither of us were happy and the tech was grumbling as he left.
Going back to JFK’s off the cuff remark, my mother told me there are two different sides of business. One is where you give someone the business which is to exploit the vulnerable person/group so you maximize your gain at their expense. The other end of the business is the vulnerable person/group who is being exploited, getting the business. The underlying rule is; maximize profit, whatever it takes, whatever you can get away with. And yes; Bastards is a good fit.
True, individuals and groups of individuals can vary greatly to the extent of how accommodating or how manipulating they are pursuing Business. People like myself would prefer the two doing business to view themselves as equals trying to meet the other’s need in a mutually beneficial transaction. It seems to me the fewer individuals involved the easier it is to be collaborative; in the end you  all have to feel validated for it to succeed and 2 is a much more accommodating number than sales, supervisor, manager, purchasing, president and board of trustees. The farther one is removed from the interface the easier it is to fall back on Bastard behavior. 
Think of it as a game; the formal game is called “Zero-Sum”. For Zero-Sum to work there has to be a winner and with that distinction there has to be a loser. Without a loser there can be no winner. In each case the competitors knows their role in the outcome. If you cheat and win it’s still a win. The opposite game is called “Non-Zero-Sum”. Rather than competing in a winner-take-all interaction they can negotiate terms of agreement. The perfect outcome is a “Win-Win” where both sides give up something in return for a concession on the other’s part. 
I have been taking my vehicles to the same shop for scheduled services for so many years I can’t recall; oil change, rotating tires, safety inspections, etc. I’ve done the math and don’t see how he makes a good return on my business. While I’m there they check things that aren’t included in the description on the receipt. By now the owner and I are on a first name basis and he is genuinely interested in my travels. His shop employs 6 or more techs, a bookkeeper and an assistant. It’s a rare day when he doesn’t have to turn work away because his plate is full. 
When something goes wrong with my truck that one of my mechanical sons can’t get to or is too big a project for them, John (the business owner) works me into the schedule as soon as possible. I understand that return customers are like vegetables in the garden; if you don’t cultivate them they die on the vine. John knows that too. I think of it as a “Win-Win” game or maybe just Paying It Forward but we both benefit and the cost of playing that game is worth it. 
I’m afraid JFK’s father was right, if anything has changed since 1962 I don't know what it is. The Bastards are still bleeding the public and the ordinary people still being exploited.
 

FOUNDING FATHERS

  Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950) was a highly accomplished American poet, playwright and author. I’ve borrowed from her many quotes before. My favorite is; “It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it's one damn thing over and over.” I’m feeling that (one damn thing-thing) now when I write. Most every time the voice inside my head pushes my buttons and I start fretting over things I don’t control, like Edna’s one damn thing. So I throw a few words at the page in self defense. Then, sensing a dead end ahead I hit delete and walk away, do something I do control. 
In 1776 the Founding Fathers had no idea how their struggle against England would turn out. They didn’t want to start a revolution but with no tangible rights and oppressive conditions in the colonies, they felt compelled to push back. Long story short; bullets were fired, England responded with bullets and more Red Coats and we had a revolution that dragged out for 8 years. The battles are well known but the process of creating a government gets largely overlooked. 
All 13 colonies sent representatives to the Continental Congress from which the Declaration of Independence emerged. To be sure, they  were not common folk, all influential white men of means with much to lose if they failed. Every colony considered itself more of a micro-nation rather than an integrated state in a grater body. Freedom from British oppression was their common cause but they didn’t trust and didn’t like each other. The difference in both the culture and economy between North & South created a stumbling block for a united nation to emerge. The cold, rocky North was suited for small farms, industry and lumber while the South had large tracts of tillable land and a warm climate suited for plantation agriculture. The resulting dichotomy explains the distrust. They all wanted freedom from England but they couldn’t agree on what freedom should look like.
In the North, Freedom was measured out primarily to men of means with land or property and a pathway for upward mobility. In the South, Freedom would be reserved for white men who owned land or property. There would be a path for upward mobility but it would be observed within a tightly structured, elite, white aristocracy. Without slave labor the plantation system would collapse under its own weight. African slaves transported to the colonies had for over a century been considered to be subhuman, the property of white men, not unlike domesticated animals.
In order to frame a constitution that could be approved in congress the language had to be vague and indirect. They kicked the can down the road for the next 80 years until it wouldn’t kick and we fought the Civil War. So far this piece draws from common knowledge but I do have a bias and opinion that will spill through.
Reconstruction was meant to emancipate former slaves but it failed. Vigilante intimidation and violence (Jim Crow justice) was measured out against newly freed blacks with little or no effort to find perpetrators. Jim Crow ruled in the South for the next century until the Civil Rights Act passed in 1964 but even now, racist policies and practice have been systematically normalized in public actions. 
I am disturbed but not surprised that after two & a half centuries our national government is still divided in a two party system where counterparts neither trust nor like each other. While their issues may have changed the math is the same; we all love America but we don’t want to live together in the same country. Slavery has taken a back seat to competing systems of government. The controversy is framed by whether or not or to what degree we preserve a a self-righteous tradition of the rich getting richer and the poor staying poor. I’m not saying that the South’s slavery driven culture has evolved into conservative politics but if it quacks and looks like a duck; just sayin’.  The underlying truth prevails; Everything is legal as long as you don’t get caught, the legal system protects the wealthy from the poor and poverty is the reward for stupid, lazy people. Times change but the fundamental snag is the gap between healthy ambition and unmitigated greed. Power and material wealth are after all, interchangeable; one begets the other.
Liberal ideology recognizes the group’s interdependence. Individuals need willingly sacrifice some of their own Best Interests for the sake of the collective (Culture). Conservatives do not like that idea; they say, “I got mine, you get your own!” They believe one must  take care of meeting their own needs. If they cannot, then they suffer the brutal consequences, sacrificed to the god of greed. Most people demonstrate both behaviors and things usually find a working balance. But not everyone can live with balance and the rub comes determining where to draw the line between winners and losers.
Of the Founding Fathers the names that pop out are Washington, Jefferson and Franklin. After they won the war their greatest fear was that the new nation’s government would reinvent the British monarchy or some other form of fascism where power was concentrated in a ‘Strong Man’ authoritarian who would concede to ego and greed. They created checks and balances in the constitution; two different bodies of legislators, three branches of government Executive, Legislative & Judicial, so power was divided. Still, the Later Greeks (Plato) perceived a fundamental flaw in democracy (self rule). “ . . . it allows people to elect poor or dangerous leaders.”
As I see it Plato’s fears were shared by Thomas Jefferson in particular and they are being realize in America now. I share those fears but I don’t control anything. I am concerned but my voice doesn’t raise even a tiny ripple in a minuscule puddle. Like many others of my generation I take comfort in the fact that my life story is approaching its conclusion and even the super-rich narcissist who’s calling the shots cannot undo my backstory. From Bunker Hill in 1775 to 2021 and the January 6 attack on the Capitol, Americans have been using poor judgement or no judgment at all choosing leaders. Adolph Hitler was a hero until he wasn’t and his collaborators either perished with him or found a rock somewhere to hide under. 
I’m too old to immigrate, nobody wants poor old foreigners  tapping into their economy. At this stage abandoning my family and network of friends would be nothing more than spite on my part. So I can’t run away and denial doesn’t solve anything. I still want to take the high road which, as I see it, models an old axiom that I take to heart; Be the change you want to see. I can’t change the world but I can leave some fingerprints behind. My writing may suffer but then again, maybe not. If I can dwell on possibility instead of the ugly side of human nature, then the words might come easier. Edna was clever but she gave up too soon. 

THE PAST 300 YEARS

  I’ve been writing some but when I come back to it the next day it doesn’t measure up. I don’t delete it but neither does it belong in the blog. Sometimes I post articles that have no legs. Still I keep throwing words at the page in the hope it grows into something that does have legs. I got a text message from my daughter in law; “if you want to hate the world watch the news and if you want to love the world then travel in it”. I already share the sentiment but it’s nice to have someone agree. I don’t watch the news, didn’t need her advice. But I go. I don’t think of myself as a traveler, that suggests to some extent planning, expectation and adequate resources. I just go; something to do with being in motion, curiosity, meeting people in their culture and finding a niche. I hope I never lose that appetite. 
Leon Trotsky was instrumental in the Russian Revolution (1917) He said; “Old age is the most unexpected of all things that happen to a man.” To be more concise he was lamenting the rapid passage of time and the ironies of this life. Unlike Trotsky my aging out has not been unexpected, I’ve seen it coming for decades. The irony is, to my way of thinking, I’ve seen enough and weighed cause and effect transactions to my satisfaction. I’ve compared my observations to what others believe. From training and experience I challenge what I think is correct and what I want to believe until it either collapses under its own weight or it rings true. The irony is that I am confident now in just about everything that is worth knowing or believing but no one cares. I’m just an old man. Times have moved on and my contribution is perceived as irrelevant. In reality I am aware of my shortcomings, I don’t really know all that much but it’s enough.
‘Perception’ is the process of organizing, identifying and interpreting sensory information. That's how we understand the world, our culture & ourselves. The process translates raw sensory data from the five senses into meaningful experiences. I don't get to experience reality, all I get are perceptions. Millions of neurons turn data into ideas and understanding but we are unique individuals. We can be in the same loop and come away with different perceptions. Is the barking dog going to play or bite? It depends.

If this sounds like navel-gazing then that is your perception but by my sense it’s where the rubber meets the road. For nearly a million years small clans of hunter-gatherers practiced a culture that was predicated on cooperation and peaceful resolution of differences. A single life in the clan was too precious to risk unnecessarily and you had to be able to carry everything you owned. Material wealth and political power were yet to be and fighting didn't meet the need. That culture went unchanged for nearly a million years. In the last 10,000 years (+ or -) civilization has evolved, changed rapidly in culture and technology while the human animal has not evolved noticeably if at all. Experts, real-deal, bonafide experts are concerned that we now have technology and machines that can replicate brain function in certain skills and tasks much faster, more reliably, and more efficiently that our outdated Hunter-gatherer brain. As this phenomenon unfolds the implications are scary at best.
In this old man’s irrelevant view it suggests something about human nature. Since the introduction of civilization (cities, farming, war, etc.) creative problem solving, advances in tools & weapons, machines, etc. have accelerated exponentially. In large part those advances have been manifest in the past 300 years. Considering all of the factors involved, humans do very well with creating things that work for the culture and civilization at large. But we haven’t advanced Human nature to favor a more efficient, peaceful, cooperative culture. Humanity seems obsessed with a win-win, zero sum culture that profits from tribal prejudice, intimidation, violence and ultimately war. That was deadly enough when weapons were spears and bullets. But powerful nations now have weapons of mass destruction and the danger is global rather than local. 
My perception is that the world is becoming more and more ugly with lust for power and material wealth more appealing than noble hyperbole about democracy, freedom and peaceful cooperation. I remember when willing sacrifice for the greater good was considered a virtue but now who ever has the biggest penis calls the shots. 
With this post I have shared stuff that I’ve always kept to myself. I do so at risk of being dismissed as an irrelevant old man but if I want to be perceived at all it’s a better choice than trusting squeaky clean, mundane old-man chatter. I know there are much younger, much better educated, more eloquent, truly expert sources who write books and I read those books. Collectively they have expressed the same concerns that I have noted here. At the end of the day I don't have much faith in intelligence to save us from ourselves and certainly none in humanity to evolve an improved human nature. That is how I perceive things. 
I’m heading out on a roadtrip in a few days. I speak just enough Spanish that I’m concerned I’ll be pulled over by masked ICE agents and sent to a concentration camp. I say that out of my hate for what the news conveys. By the time I see my daughter in law my disposition will hopefully have improved. 

THERE IS A CRACK

  I read somewhere that an adventure is any ongoing experience where you have at least some control with the possibility of a good outcome as well as the risk of something not so good. The adventure could be anything from skydiving to trying to finish mowing the yard before it rains. Helen Keller told us that life is to be lived courageously rather than passively when she wrote; “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” I wish I had that kind of insight. Eleanore Roosevelt is often credited with; “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.” I like that. It's the only time I can put my hands on it. Eckhart Tolle wrote a tiny-little book, ‘The Power Of Now’ . The book begs awareness that clock/calendar time is a man made device to organize human activity. But Tolle hits us over the head with the stark realization; time is a fluid dimension that propels us through the human experience but nothing ever happened in the past nor will it happen in the future. Everything happens in the moment, the present. That would be now, right now. For the sake of clarity it can be a few seconds, minutes or even hours depending on the situation but once it has moved on there is no going back. I imagined the metaphor; traveling by train, watching the world go by but the train never stops. The view outside changes as the action moves from present to the past and into what had been the future. You can’t take a 2nd look the way a movie director shoots the scene again and you cannot experience the flashing lights of the Railroad crossing until you and the crossing are in the same moment.
Certainly Tolle wants to sell books and get people into his workshops but it resonates with that same sense of urgency Helen Keller spoke to. Time is precious, don’t waste it, be prepared. That fleeting, fluid moment carries us along with it whether we like it or not and if you’re not paying attention,  a ‘Daring adventure’ might lose its luster and be experienced as, ‘Nothing at all’. 
I spend a fair amount of time (frequently) thinking about people like Helen Keller and Eleanore Roosevelt and how their life experience translates to the rest of us. They’re not the only ones, I could make a long list but they are a great place to begin. When it comes to taking refuge in ideas and understanding I keep a huge collection of quotes. I default to them the same way my mother read her bible. My heroes are like life coaches who council me through the wisdom they leave behind. I would rather dwell in their shadows than bemoan my culture’s dive into unmerited hubris and lust for power. So I avoid both news and social media. In Leonard Cohen’s song ‘Anthem’ there is a line; “There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” That’s how I get my news. By then it’s old news and like standing water it finds its own level. 
I just finished watching a four part Netflix series; FDR. What stood out was exactly what the producers wanted us to understand, that  the 32nd President was driven by an unlikely array of circumstance and experiences that made him both a lightning rod of controversy and beloved at the same time. Born into a politically powerful family, vested in social status and great wealth it would seem likely for him to follow his uncle Theadore into politics as a Republican. But he married a strong-willed woman who championed the underclass. At 39 he was struck down by Infantile Paralysis (Polio) leaving him crippled for the rest of his life. 
FDR was able to win the Presidency but his physical limitations gave him a perspective that most Republicans could not identify with. He could not dismiss the way people fall victim to events and forces beyond their control. When the working class and underclass needed help, they needed help.  He would not follow the party line where government was organized to benefit big business, banks and the rich and they hated him for that. Factor in the Great Depression and WW2; he pushed social reform, the New Deal, etc. His wife worked relentlessly to advance women’s rights and their gainful employment. Between them his administration was viewed as a dictatorship by rich Republicans and as a savior by ordinary people. Some of the same schemes we attribute to the DT administration were employed by FDR. The big difference is that FDR was driven by a sense of duty. Growing up in the Roosevelt legacy it went without saying, "Those blessed with advantages, wealth, or power hold a proportionally greater responsibility to serve others." The Trump legacy is an altogether different story, one of unquenchable ego, self obsessed avarice and a case of self righteous narcissism. 

    The framers of the Constitution agreed on the principle of; ‘Liberty & Justice for All’. But from the very beginning Federalists modeled British aristocracy with centralized government, national banks that were ruled by the few; when they said "All" what they really meant is us (just us) the rich & powerful few. Over time Federalists evolved into Republican Conservatives but their interpretation of "All" is still double-speak for the privileged few who rule. FDR changed the rules by embracing the underclass and now, nearly a century later the powerful-rich are still cursing his name. 

DON'T LIVE IN A VACUUM

  My first job out of college was teaching K-6 physical education at a temporary elementary school in Liberty, Missouri. In early December 1967 I had one semester to go before graduation. I had met all of the school’s graduation requirements so all I had left to do was supervised student teaching (6 hr.s credit), carry another 6 hrs to be a full time student to qualify for my GI Bill plus a grant in aid and play baseball. That was the plan. My wife and I were learning (hands-on) how to be parents with our firstborn infant son. It was a busy time but no more so than the previous three and a half years.
At the time Liberty was building the new Lewis & Clark Elementary School. Those students held classes on the 3rd floor of the Odd Fellows Home just south of town. The gym teacher was an old black man. Mr. Gant had been the Superintendent of the Black school when segregation was the rule. He had been integrated along with black students into the new, reorganized district. He died unexpectedly and they were put in a bind midyear looking for a replacement. I had coached little league baseball the summer before and the son of the School Board President was on that team. It went like a double jump in checkers from School Board to Athletic Director to me. I could drop out of school, forego baseball, graduate with my class in the spring and do my supervised student teaching in the summer.
The second week of January, 1968 I reported to the 3rd floor of the Odd Fellows Home. It was the beginning of what would be a 36 year career, hanging out with kids, sharing what I could share and learning something new almost every day. The Physical Education thing got my foot in the door and with additional studies I migrated gradually into the Science Department (primarily Biology). It wasn’t that I loved the gym less, I just loved the Science more. 
Today I am 25 years, a quarter century into retirement. Teaching biology and environmental issues has evolved to a new generation and neither can I nor do I want to keep digging in that hole. But I don’t live in a vacuum. I resonate to a World View that favors a sustainable, unpolluted environment at the expense of corporate profits. I resonate to a World View that rewards cooperation rather than competition. One doesn’t need a crystal ball to imagine where that scenario would lead. I am not a doomsday prophet but change is the nature of nature and as a species I fear we are digging a hole that our descendants will not be able to climb out of. 
Mine has been a long and healthy life but there are no guarantees. Every morning my first thoughts include gratitude for the new day. I try to stay positive in troubled times. I like the idea of paying it forward a lot more than Making America Great Again. I almost always reflect, “When was it great?” I’m not going to berate the man or those who think he holds the answer. It’s not about intelligence, smart people do stupid sh*t. We all have a World View that either embraces diversity (a good thing wherever you find it) or obsessed with exclusive privilege for people just like themselves. If I ruminate on privileged bigots and their narrow views I get upset and that’s no fun. Pay it forward; do what you can, when you can and make the world a better place. When I do that I go to sleep and wake up feeling better.

WAITING, (WAITING)

  I’ve been writing a monthly piece for my high school class newsletter forever it seems and I’ve been able to keep up with that. But that’s a whole other thing than posting journal work in this blog. The one is little more than wordplay and some gentle, friendly reflection. The journal is a place I can internalize, examine and develop ideas and issues for my own benefit. So far this year I haven’t done much of that. Rather than opening a can of worms I would simply say that my culture has made a hard turn to the right and my left leaning conscience does not help rationalize the funk I’m in. 
Critical Mass is a science term dealing with the minimum amount of radioactive material required to sustain a nuclear chain reaction. In the social context it refers to the point when a process or idea gains enough momentum to become self-sustaining; it does not require a majority. I don’t think the current social thrust represents a majority of Americans but the ‘Right’ certainly does have critical mass. That would account for authoritarian undermining the rule of law, of weaponizing the Justice System, attacking independent media, the militarization of law enforcement and scapegoating marginalized groups. That’s how authoritarian regimes consolidate power. I find it difficult taking  comfort in that paradigm. So when I work at internalizing ideas and issues for my own benefit there is no benefit. 
Crap! I did it anyway; opened the can of worms. Thus far into 2026 I have posted five times and the year will soon me half past. I keep listening to a 20 year-old song by John Mayer, it goes: 

Me and all my friends, We’re all misunderstood

They say we stand for nothing and
There’s no way we ever could
Now we see everything that’s wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don’t have the means
To rise above and beat it
So we keep a-waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting for the world to change
It’s hard to beat the system
When we’re standing at a distance
So we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change. 

I liked the song straight out but reading the lyrics I get it. I’m waiting for the world to change as well. I find little ways to be thankful for the good life I live, volunteer with the Hunger Outreach Team. We solicit donated food, prepare, deliver 200+ healthy meals & another 200 brown-bag lunches, twice a week to a park where hungry people gather and trust us to share what we have. The only thing we require in return is a peaceful meal site and they leave the park clean as they found it. 
Every time I look across the serving table at a hungry soul holding out an empty plate I remember my Mother’s council; “There but for the Grace of God go I.” I neither judge nor condescend, I just spoon up food and usually get a genuine thank you. I don’t think people set out to be failures; sh*t happens and some of us handle it better than others. Some of us just get lucky. Feeding hungry people is something I can do in the moment and see the benefit unfold. 
There was a movie in 2000 with Helen Hunt and Kevin Spacey titled ‘Pay It Forward’. It revolves around a 7th grade homework assignment to plan and implement an action that will make the world a better place. The movie follows a chain reaction of good deeds from one person to another. An expanding network of people who know nothing of the project benefit from the initial good deed and you get a feel-good movie. In the following quarter century, ‘Pay It Forward’ has become an axiom for doing unsolicited good deeds with no conditions or expectations. My mother would call that The Grace of God but I would call it Making Good Karma (what goes around comes back around). That’s all I’m trying to do, make good karma; what you put out into the universe will come back to you, some day, some way. 
Every day I think about Good Karma rather than writing a journal post that will gravitate to the dark side. At the end of the day I’m Waiting, (Waiting) Waiting for the world to change. 

WHEN KARMA SMMILES

  So far this year I’ve been going to the gym first thing after morning ritual and I make it most every weekday. Before that I sat down at the computer and wrote first. When I get home, instead of writing I move on with something else. This is Saturday, coffee group at 9:30 and that is two hours up the clock so writing now feels normal. You don’t forget the keyboard, the letter ‘a’ is still under little finger-left hand. I’ve always had to sneak a peek at the numbers but muscle memory still kicks in on the home row. When my granddaughter was 11 or 12 she asked a question while I was typing. I looked up at her but kept on typing and she freaked out. They used computers at school but practice ‘Hunt & Peck’. She blurted out, “How do you do that?” But she types on her cell phone with only her thumbs and I think that is unreal. 
I am the classic introvert, spending a lot of time inside my head  rather than milking the environment for stimulation. Back when: my wife kept telling me I should be more outgoing but competing for talk-space in a group was never a good fit. People time their leap into the conversation so there is no break in the stream of words. By the time I can muscle into a short pause the subject has changed. Then there’s the Mark Twain quote; “When you have nothing to say, say nothing.” 
I am too old by now to be anxious about growing old. In a random crowd of 100 people there will be (maybe) one or two others my age or senior to me. Church and the hospital don’t count; they’re not random crowds. I’ve bee lucky all my life. When I break something now it takes longer to mend, maybe a lot longer but I mend. My introvert-self reasons that long life is preferred to the alternative and good health is an afterthought until it goes away. I cannot take good fortune for granted, can’t count on it but when Karma smiles on me I practice sincere gratitude.
Still, with advancing years I can’t ignore the obvious. As far as we know, we are the only self-aware species. We think about thinking and about what others are thinking. We connect the dots and make meaning. Without any ‘afterlife’ hyperbole we understand ‘Ashes to ashes, dust to dust’. This life can be measured in wake-ups and the number of remaining wake-ups dwindles with each new day. When we are young the number seems so far removed it’s easy to dismiss. So every new day I spend a moment being self-aware; my number today is diminished by one measure from what it was yesterday. Every new wake-up becomes more precious than the one before and I don’t want to squander any wake-up. I try to have a plan, even if it’s just for the day, do something important enough to feel good when you close your eyes goodnight. Life is short; by the time one realizes that inevitability it’s later than you think. 
BREAK: That was four days ago and I’m just getting back to writing. Been walking at the gym early, made cheesy-grits for breakfast when I got home and noticed I had an unfinished draft waiting in my journal. Today is Wednesday before Maundy Thursday, then Good Friday, skip Saturday and Easter itself. Busy week for the Faithful. I have Jewish friends who consider themselves Cultural Jews, observe all the holidays but pass on the religion. I could think of myself as a Cultural but nonpracticing Christian. Again I default to Mark Twain who was quoted; “Having Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.” So Easter for me is welcoming new life springing from the earth from baby eagles in the nest, the greening of new grass and flower beds coming back to life after a long winter sleep. 
Speaking of life resurrected, stepping out the door this morning I was taken aback. Over night the buds on the Choke Cherry tree next to my driveway had transformed into tiny leaves but leaves none the less. Backing down the drive I could not dismiss the leafed out Choke Cherry standing there next to the bare-naked Golden Raintree and equally undressed Sycamore. In a few days there will be clusters of tiny white cherry blossoms with a pungent-sweet scent that cannot be ignored. I know it’s coming but every year I am surprised by the way it lifts my spirit. Yesterday I planted columbines in the flower bed under the cherry tree and never thought about the buds above me just hours away from popping. 
I feel better. Not so long ago I was preoccupied with what I consider to be a failed, lack of leadership at the highest level. If I let their self-promoting obsession spoil any part of this wake-up or the next or the next; then I’m taking the bait and become part of the problem. So I don’t tune in on the news as there is no good news. The less I know is not a handicap. I missed the ‘No Kings’ demonstrations recently but nothing or nobody suffered as a result. They were timely and welcomed but they were not diminished by my not knowing. I’m writing less but otherwise able to focus on doing what I can do and being a minuscule part of the change I want to see. A friend (philosophy Prof.) once told me; “The world is broken but you didn’t break it and you can’t fix it. So be the change you want to see and live the best life you can. That’s all there is.”